It might have come to some of yours attention that I haven’t always been the most active or consistent blogger. It’s not been unheard of for me not to post for a month or two at a time, and as I’m writing this, I come to realise that it’s been nearly 5 months since I posted anything – the longest I’ve ever gone without writing. So, though it might be hard, today I thought I would sit down and talk, just us, about why that is.
I wish I could say I had some huge reason, some big event or tragedy, a hectic new job or course, but the truth is, there hasn’t really been anything like that. If anything, there’s been…nothing. But a specific kind of nothing.
I have been dealing with severe depression and PTSD since about November 2011, and anxiety/panic disorder much longer than that. My illnesses have affected me differently at different times. For the first year, it mostly meant random bouts of crying, intrusive thoughts, self-harm, an inability to get out of bed and panic attacks/sickness whenever I did. For the past year, it’s mostly meant a complete lack of motivation and an emotional nothingness. In general, it’s been permanent low mood, random anxiety attacks, dissociation and derealisation, and feeling terrified and on edge all the time.
So, basically, there hasn’t been a huge reason for my disappearance. Sure there have been difficult things happening that have made things worse (family emergencies, breaking up with my OH of four years, the death of a family friend), but no big change that really justifies the length of my absence. It’s just that at the moment, everything is kind of…nothing. It’s hard to explain, but I guess the reason I’ve been writing nothing is because at the moment, that’s all I’m really experiencing. I am surrounded by wonderful people, exciting opportunities and fun experiences, yet everything is kind of dulled, and rather than being happy or at least content, my basic state is just…nothing. No emotions, no aspirations or plans or dreams, no excitement or motivation or new ideas. Just a lot of nothing, with the occasional side of wanting to walk in front of a train.
My depression was actually one of the reasons I first started my blog – as an outlet, somewhere to write my thoughts and distract myself by helping other people, even if I couldn’t help myself. However, as my blog got more popular, I have found it harder and harder to continue writing. Don’t get me wrong – I am so pleased that my blog has reached as many people as it has, and I am so grateful for every reader, every comment, every email. I am truly humbled that you are all here, and the messages of the concern over the past few months have meant the world to me. But my anxiety means that I find it harder and harder to write posts, knowing how many people will read them. I also find that the longer I wait to write, the harder it is to do, because I don’t want to remind people that I exist and annoy or disappoint them.
I wish I could say that this is a huge “I’m back!” post, and that I’ll be back to posting every week and responding to emails and organising projects and photographing pieces and sharing things all over social media, but in all honesty, that isn’t something I know I can commit to. I have so many pieces photographed ready to review, so many new sets I know everyone would love to see, but things are just too hard at the moment, and I don’t know when they will be better. At the same time, this isn’t a goodbye, nor is it me announcing a hiatus. This is just to let you all know that I’m still here, I’m still alive, and I’m trying as best I can. I hope I’ll feel up to posting soon, and I hope you will all still be around when I do.
So, dearest readers, bloggers and supporters, please know that I am sending you all love. You give me reasons to stick around, and I appreciate you more than you could ever know.
All my love to all of you,
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